My mother in law passed away this month. She had a stroke and fell in her home. She wasn't discovered for two days. By the time she arrived at the hospital, she was dehydrated and she had paralysis on the left side. The initial prognosis was guarded, but as she realized that she would be unlikely to continue quilting, I think she made the decision to just slip away. It probably was a little easier (to choose to slip away) because she had an active brain bleed that they couldn't fix. 

Following her passing, we discovered that she never had a will done up. My father in law passed away in 2019 following hip replacement surgery without a will. I think she meant to be sure that something existed in writing for when she passed away, but Covid-19 drove all of us into isolation and these things were never addressed. 

However she was an avid quilter and she left many beautiful quilts behind. Three sons with three daughter-in-laws. In all the years that we visited, she only ever voiced preferences about whom should get which quilts about one daughter in law specifically. It wasn't me. One of the quilts that I most hoped would be mine had been "left" to the daughter in law that doesn't quilt. As well as several other quilts that all of us had admired and wanted. The third daughter in law (to join the family) and I both quilt, both enjoyed this past time with our mother in law. The only spoken plan I heard for the two of us is that we could have the quilts that needed to be finished (and specifically only one each). Other than that, there was nothing in writing to determine which quilts should go to whom. 

My heart is broken for so many reasons. I loved this woman. I have been a part of this family the longest. I am her son's first wife. I shared many quilting adventures with her. But she left nothing specifically for me.  And worse, I now think of the many times she "teased" me about such things as my children looking nothing like her son (they do) and how well did I know the milkman anyway. She thought she was being funny. But it was hurtful and disrespectful. And as a final parting gift, she leaves me feeling that maybe she didn't care much for me at all. That the relationship I thought we had was nothing but a farce. She leaves behind so many questions and no answers for how she's treated me and mine. 

 It's been a bumpy ride. March 2020 saw the beginning of self-isolation in the UK. We couldn't travel, we weren't allowed to gather with friends. Only one of us could go to the grocery store at a time. Paul was working from home. On the plus side I completed my BSN studies and I graduated in March 2020.  Once my studies were complete, I spent a lot of time creating new quilt tops. 

We returned to the United States in July of 2020 and we are back at Ft. Eustis, VA. I've been unable to look for a job because family affairs have kept me busy and traveling between Virginia, Wisconsin, Alabama, and Arizona. 

When depression disguises itself

I've been depressed. I'm not sure why. I could blame the dark, dreary days of the UK that have been about since the beginning of October. I could blame the fact that I have no friends here in the UK, and that the time difference between me and the US keeps me from reaching out to my friends back home. I am sure that these are definitely factors, but what I am currently fascinated by is that it took me so long to realize that I am depressed. I am not on any medication and I have not discussed this with my doctors. Several reasons why I have not done that. But I have been as open as I can be with Paul. 

It took me awhile to realize what was going on. I began taking naps in the middle of the day, for several hours. I was ready to go to bed at night by 8pm. Other nights I couldn't sleep at all and would often be up for more than 20 hours before I could finally fall asleep. I lost interest in sewing and creating things. I was putting in the minimum amount of effort in my on-line classes. I managed breakfast every morning because I had to feed Paul as well, but for the rest of the day I wasn't eating. Sometimes I would lie in my bed and fantasize (yes! fantasize) about killing myself. I thought about how I seemed to have accomplished all I needed to do in this life and I was just ready to be at rest, at peace. To finish anything that I didn't absolutely have to do was a Herculean task for me. 

Then one day, while cruising on the internet.. I ran across a mental health quiz. I answered the questions just for something to do. I was as honest as I could be. It shocked me to realize just how often I thought about suicide. The response (after several follow up questions and constant reminders that this test was not meant to diagnose and that I should follow up with a doctor) surprised me. I knew I was feeling blue, but somehow I had slid past just a feeling of the blues into full on depression and anxiety. 

Right now, I'm handling it on my own. Part of the solution was getting my medical stuff taken care of. I had to change up my diabetes medication because my BS had been too high for the last several months. My psoriasis was slowly getting out of control again, I'm sure because of the high blood sugars. I'm with some really good doctors and everything is improving. I've also reached out to friends back home and let them know I was struggling. Several of them have been so helpful in calling me at least once a week to see how I'm doing. That helps more than I thought it would. 

I'm also eating better and exercising more. This seems to be helping as well. Some days are still hard, but overall, it's getting better. I'm looking forward to going to Wisconsin to spend Christmas with the daughters and grandchildren. We'll take a trip down to Alabama to see our son during that time too,. 

Hopefully, I'll keep digging my way out of this, but if I find myself back in that dark hole, I will seek out medical help. 

The final fledgling has a job!

Hi Folks!

Paul and I are still living in the UK, but I am currently in Huntsville, Alabama, helping our son Mac choose an apartment. He's accepted a position here in Huntsville so it's time to relocate. The commute from Auburn would be killer!!

We've found a place, just waiting to sign and pick up the keys and then we'll use this weekend to move him and all his belongings from his place down in Auburn to his new, first time without a roommate apartment here in Huntsville.

He's pretty stoked about not having a roommate for the first time. Being able to cook and clean on his own schedule is going to be pretty amazing for him.

In the meantime, Kendra (oldest daughter) turns 31 today. How did I end up with a 31 year old child?  It just doesn't seem all that long ago she was waving bye bye as she pushed her toy ahead of me. And now she has two of her own. Mercedes is 3 and Caspian is 9 months old. OH... She and her husband have bought their first home. So much change in the last year. All good change, but change none the less.

I am 5 classes shy of my BSN. Working international studies and nutrition this session, next session it will be intro to philosophy, and then after the first of the year, my last two nursing classes. So close to the end!

UK, baby!

Another adventure! Paul has been reassigned to England. I am back in school working on my BSN. Kendra is pregnant with baby #2!   All the kids have graduated college. None of them have jobs yet. And I just quit my job. So I can join Paul in England after grandson is born in December. Lots of changes around the bend.

Life has been busy.

Lots of changes. Worked for almost two years on an orthopedic floor in Dothan Al. Loved it. Loved the chain of command, loved the co-workers. It was a perfect place to start. Moved to Virginia in May of 2015. Worked in a community hospital, taking charge of their joint replacement program. Loved it. Great staff and great chain of command.

Getting ready to move to Birmingham, AL. Oldest daughter is 20 weeks pregnant with our first grandchild and she will be a high risk pregnancy. Moving in with her, while her hubby is starting a new job in Wisconsin. Once the baby is born and things have moved forward, she and baby mercedes will join him there. That is all for now.

Interviews are not for the faint of heart.

Some of my more memorable interviews through out the years.

Age 18- interview for a sporting goods store... I actually had my mother with me the day I filled out the application. One question stopped me dead in my tracks. I hate to lie.. but I was not about to admit on a form that my mother was reading over my shoulder that I had smoked pot before. So  I checked "no" to the drug question.  
Call back for the interview- was asked if there were any questions I wanted to change my answer for because I would be required to take a polygraph test. Told them about the pot.  During the polygraph test, my heart raced constantly. Still got the job, so guess they recognized a lot of the racing heart as stress?  

Age 19- first interview for medical assistant position. Went to the interview from our celebration lunch (after graduating tech school) where I had consumed an "I got potted" drink (7 ounces of various alcohols and lots of mixers). I was drunk for the interview. I couldn't hear the man very well, so I kept yelling "What?" at him. Needless to say, I did NOT get that job.

second interview for medical assistant job... this time I was in top form. Interviewed for a Cardiology and Internal Medicine group. Business manager had me draw his blood on the spot. I'm good.. I got that job before leaving the office. :)

Interview for a photographer position at JCPenney in 1989. Manager was also from the Phoenix, AZ area and her husband was also in the army (this was in VA). I got the job.. I think it's because of what we had in common. Leigh and I have been best friends ever since.

So last week, I went for an interview for an RN position on an orthopedic floor. I was interviewed by committee. That was a new experience for me. A group of three grilled me for 90 minutes. Guess it went well. Second interview was requested and the position was unofficially offered to me before I left the second time!

I am now waiting for the background check to come back and have the official offer made. Hopefully I'll be back at work very soon!