My mother in law passed away this month. She had a stroke and fell in her home. She wasn't discovered for two days. By the time she arrived at the hospital, she was dehydrated and she had paralysis on the left side. The initial prognosis was guarded, but as she realized that she would be unlikely to continue quilting, I think she made the decision to just slip away. It probably was a little easier (to choose to slip away) because she had an active brain bleed that they couldn't fix. 

Following her passing, we discovered that she never had a will done up. My father in law passed away in 2019 following hip replacement surgery without a will. I think she meant to be sure that something existed in writing for when she passed away, but Covid-19 drove all of us into isolation and these things were never addressed. 

However she was an avid quilter and she left many beautiful quilts behind. Three sons with three daughter-in-laws. In all the years that we visited, she only ever voiced preferences about whom should get which quilts about one daughter in law specifically. It wasn't me. One of the quilts that I most hoped would be mine had been "left" to the daughter in law that doesn't quilt. As well as several other quilts that all of us had admired and wanted. The third daughter in law (to join the family) and I both quilt, both enjoyed this past time with our mother in law. The only spoken plan I heard for the two of us is that we could have the quilts that needed to be finished (and specifically only one each). Other than that, there was nothing in writing to determine which quilts should go to whom. 

My heart is broken for so many reasons. I loved this woman. I have been a part of this family the longest. I am her son's first wife. I shared many quilting adventures with her. But she left nothing specifically for me.  And worse, I now think of the many times she "teased" me about such things as my children looking nothing like her son (they do) and how well did I know the milkman anyway. She thought she was being funny. But it was hurtful and disrespectful. And as a final parting gift, she leaves me feeling that maybe she didn't care much for me at all. That the relationship I thought we had was nothing but a farce. She leaves behind so many questions and no answers for how she's treated me and mine. 

 It's been a bumpy ride. March 2020 saw the beginning of self-isolation in the UK. We couldn't travel, we weren't allowed to gather with friends. Only one of us could go to the grocery store at a time. Paul was working from home. On the plus side I completed my BSN studies and I graduated in March 2020.  Once my studies were complete, I spent a lot of time creating new quilt tops. 

We returned to the United States in July of 2020 and we are back at Ft. Eustis, VA. I've been unable to look for a job because family affairs have kept me busy and traveling between Virginia, Wisconsin, Alabama, and Arizona. 

When depression disguises itself

I've been depressed. I'm not sure why. I could blame the dark, dreary days of the UK that have been about since the beginning of October. I could blame the fact that I have no friends here in the UK, and that the time difference between me and the US keeps me from reaching out to my friends back home. I am sure that these are definitely factors, but what I am currently fascinated by is that it took me so long to realize that I am depressed. I am not on any medication and I have not discussed this with my doctors. Several reasons why I have not done that. But I have been as open as I can be with Paul. 

It took me awhile to realize what was going on. I began taking naps in the middle of the day, for several hours. I was ready to go to bed at night by 8pm. Other nights I couldn't sleep at all and would often be up for more than 20 hours before I could finally fall asleep. I lost interest in sewing and creating things. I was putting in the minimum amount of effort in my on-line classes. I managed breakfast every morning because I had to feed Paul as well, but for the rest of the day I wasn't eating. Sometimes I would lie in my bed and fantasize (yes! fantasize) about killing myself. I thought about how I seemed to have accomplished all I needed to do in this life and I was just ready to be at rest, at peace. To finish anything that I didn't absolutely have to do was a Herculean task for me. 

Then one day, while cruising on the internet.. I ran across a mental health quiz. I answered the questions just for something to do. I was as honest as I could be. It shocked me to realize just how often I thought about suicide. The response (after several follow up questions and constant reminders that this test was not meant to diagnose and that I should follow up with a doctor) surprised me. I knew I was feeling blue, but somehow I had slid past just a feeling of the blues into full on depression and anxiety. 

Right now, I'm handling it on my own. Part of the solution was getting my medical stuff taken care of. I had to change up my diabetes medication because my BS had been too high for the last several months. My psoriasis was slowly getting out of control again, I'm sure because of the high blood sugars. I'm with some really good doctors and everything is improving. I've also reached out to friends back home and let them know I was struggling. Several of them have been so helpful in calling me at least once a week to see how I'm doing. That helps more than I thought it would. 

I'm also eating better and exercising more. This seems to be helping as well. Some days are still hard, but overall, it's getting better. I'm looking forward to going to Wisconsin to spend Christmas with the daughters and grandchildren. We'll take a trip down to Alabama to see our son during that time too,. 

Hopefully, I'll keep digging my way out of this, but if I find myself back in that dark hole, I will seek out medical help. 

The final fledgling has a job!

Hi Folks!

Paul and I are still living in the UK, but I am currently in Huntsville, Alabama, helping our son Mac choose an apartment. He's accepted a position here in Huntsville so it's time to relocate. The commute from Auburn would be killer!!

We've found a place, just waiting to sign and pick up the keys and then we'll use this weekend to move him and all his belongings from his place down in Auburn to his new, first time without a roommate apartment here in Huntsville.

He's pretty stoked about not having a roommate for the first time. Being able to cook and clean on his own schedule is going to be pretty amazing for him.

In the meantime, Kendra (oldest daughter) turns 31 today. How did I end up with a 31 year old child?  It just doesn't seem all that long ago she was waving bye bye as she pushed her toy ahead of me. And now she has two of her own. Mercedes is 3 and Caspian is 9 months old. OH... She and her husband have bought their first home. So much change in the last year. All good change, but change none the less.

I am 5 classes shy of my BSN. Working international studies and nutrition this session, next session it will be intro to philosophy, and then after the first of the year, my last two nursing classes. So close to the end!

UK, baby!

Another adventure! Paul has been reassigned to England. I am back in school working on my BSN. Kendra is pregnant with baby #2!   All the kids have graduated college. None of them have jobs yet. And I just quit my job. So I can join Paul in England after grandson is born in December. Lots of changes around the bend.

Life has been busy.

Lots of changes. Worked for almost two years on an orthopedic floor in Dothan Al. Loved it. Loved the chain of command, loved the co-workers. It was a perfect place to start. Moved to Virginia in May of 2015. Worked in a community hospital, taking charge of their joint replacement program. Loved it. Great staff and great chain of command.

Getting ready to move to Birmingham, AL. Oldest daughter is 20 weeks pregnant with our first grandchild and she will be a high risk pregnancy. Moving in with her, while her hubby is starting a new job in Wisconsin. Once the baby is born and things have moved forward, she and baby mercedes will join him there. That is all for now.

Interviews are not for the faint of heart.

Some of my more memorable interviews through out the years.

Age 18- interview for a sporting goods store... I actually had my mother with me the day I filled out the application. One question stopped me dead in my tracks. I hate to lie.. but I was not about to admit on a form that my mother was reading over my shoulder that I had smoked pot before. So  I checked "no" to the drug question.  
Call back for the interview- was asked if there were any questions I wanted to change my answer for because I would be required to take a polygraph test. Told them about the pot.  During the polygraph test, my heart raced constantly. Still got the job, so guess they recognized a lot of the racing heart as stress?  

Age 19- first interview for medical assistant position. Went to the interview from our celebration lunch (after graduating tech school) where I had consumed an "I got potted" drink (7 ounces of various alcohols and lots of mixers). I was drunk for the interview. I couldn't hear the man very well, so I kept yelling "What?" at him. Needless to say, I did NOT get that job.

second interview for medical assistant job... this time I was in top form. Interviewed for a Cardiology and Internal Medicine group. Business manager had me draw his blood on the spot. I'm good.. I got that job before leaving the office. :)

Interview for a photographer position at JCPenney in 1989. Manager was also from the Phoenix, AZ area and her husband was also in the army (this was in VA). I got the job.. I think it's because of what we had in common. Leigh and I have been best friends ever since.

So last week, I went for an interview for an RN position on an orthopedic floor. I was interviewed by committee. That was a new experience for me. A group of three grilled me for 90 minutes. Guess it went well. Second interview was requested and the position was unofficially offered to me before I left the second time!

I am now waiting for the background check to come back and have the official offer made. Hopefully I'll be back at work very soon!

I thought getting through school was hard.

I can't believe it's been over a year since the last time I blogged. The short synapsis is that I passed my RN test in July in 75 questions!! I injured my left knee during my final semester of nursing school. Initially we thought it was just a sprain and after two visits to doctors, conservative measures were taken to help with the problem. I spent the summer unable to walk normal or for any length of time, so I could not job hunt. We also moved from Ft. Rucker to Huntsville. When my knee didn't improve, they finally did a MRI (wierd procedure, I can appreciate why some people have a hard time with the tube.). Turns out it wasn't just a sprain but a tear in teh medial meniscus. I had a left medial meniscus repair in September 2012.  Rehabilitation took most of the fall.

I started job hunting in January. Since then I've probably filled out about 50 applications and have interviewed once.  I thought getting the job would be the easy part. Huntsville has at least two local colleges that are spitting out 90-100 nurses each semester, and all the contacts I made during my clinicals in the Dothan area are of little use to me now that I am living so far north. Sigh... Well, my plan of action now is to keep up the effort here for the rest of the summer (the time period that Paul is not off on some project or another). If I can't break into a job by August, I'm going to head back down south and hopefully use some of my contacts to start working down there. With a 12 hour shift three days a week, I think it will be worth it. I can stay with one of my daughters during my time down south to work and spend the rest of the time up here. It'd only be for a year. But I'm really hoping to find something here soon.

In the name of "friendship"

I received an e-mail from a friend of mine on January 25. We have been friends for about 19 years now. We met when we both worked at the same portrait studio. Our children were close in age and our husbands were both in the Army at the time our friendship developed. I have enjoyed this woman's friendship most of the time. I acknowledge that she is one of a very limited few to whom I feel I can share my secrets with. We have maintained our friendship through moves, through time, and through changes of fortunes.


In her e-mail of 1/25, she accused me of wanting the friendship to end, that I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain, that I haven't been available enough to her. This same theme has popped up now and again throughout my schooling. Each and every time it starts with "Have I done something wrong?" and ends with accusations of "It's a shame that with your new friends you don't have time for me any more, I feel as though you've put me on a shelf until you have no one else to turn to."


I wrote back in a moment of frustration and anger. I swear, through no fault of her own, these letters arrive at the worst possible time. When I am dealing with issues with my instructors, or my classes, or my frustration levels at clinicals. Nursing school is hard... at least for me it is.. it's about organization (which I seriously lack), it's about time management (which I seriously lack), and it's about a whole lot of studying (which I take seriously).

I had an epiphany in the shower this morning. I realized that I have been there for her everytime she has truly needed support. I have been the best friend to her that I could be. And when I need that understanding back... for just a few more months... she chose to make it about her instead. I'm done. I am so done.

I am one test away from being an RN!

Oh my! This semester flew by! All my doubts about wanting to be an RN are gone. This last semester allowed us to work as an RN with training wheels. We had full patient loads, we worked with amazing professionals and we had plenty of opportunities to practice our skills. I can't wait to get started in this new career.

In other family news, the whole family is moving somewhere, but we are not moving as a family. Kendra and her fiance Tyler are moving back to Enterprise to start new jobs and plan their wedding for summer 2013. Kimberly is moving from the house she shared with her siblings to her own apartment in Troy (where she is starting her junior year in Journalism). Mac is transferring to Auburn for the fall semester, having decided to major in aerospace engineering. Paul and I are moving to Huntsville. The fun part of this equation is the house the kids have been sharing has to be vacated by end of May and our moving dates (for my house) are in the first week of June. 

On the plus side, Tyler and Kendra have already found an apartment and they take the keys on May 25; Mac and Paul arranged an apartment for Mac in Auburn; we have our new address for Huntsville. The only one we still need to find housing for is Kim. And that adventure begins tomorrow.

I'm hoping to schedule my NCLEX exam for the end of June. This will give me plenty of time to review and solidify a lot of the concepts we've gone over for the last two years while helping everyone to move where they need to be. I have my temporary license, so I can start looking for positions in Huntsville as soon as we get up there!

Gearing up for the last semester

So this is it.. the last semester! This semester we are spending most of our clinical hours in the emergency room, the ICU's and in a preceptorship with a nurse at the hospital of our choice.

Lots of self motivating responsibility goes with this semester as we have to line up our extra hours on our own. Should work well for this procrastinator.. LOL.. well.. I have the contact numbers and it is my hope to call today and line up my 80 plus hours with my nurse.

We are scheduled to take 3 practice NCLEX exams over the course of this semester. Should be good and ready to sit the boards in June. :)

The only fly in this ointment is that I don't want to be in school right now. I am so closed to being burned out. I can't take a break.... we have orders to move in June, no chance to extend my schooling.

On the plus side, first test was yesterday and I made a 100%. Drug calculations... love them! Always my highest score each semester. :)

Conflicted

For the past 2 plus years, I have been working towards my RN degree. I made some pretty good friends early on and we have made the effort every semester to have the same class schedule, if not the same clinical groups, in order to make studying as a group easier. Not as many schedule conflicts if we're all at school at the same time.

Our group has been a great mix of ages and types of people and I feel as though we've really gelled into a fantastic group. We have always respected each others differences... some of us are married, some single, some drink or smoke, some don't, some adhere to strict religious rules, some don't.... but these things have never been an issue.. until now.

One member of our core group changed his class schedule to specifically move away from those of us he has always liked because in his words "If I'm with y'all all the time I'm gonna wanna drink and stuff."  Which.. was conveyed to all of us by text. Which we didn't receive until after worrying about him today since he didn't show up for class.

I understand that for some people it's easier to hold to a higher standard if you are not constantly put in temptation. But what I don't understand is why (since drinking alcohol and/or smoking is not something we do ALL the time) he couldn't bring up the subject and ask us to not include him in the few times we may decide to drink. Which... for the record was twice last semester... once at the end to celebrate the end.. and once after a particularly long and tough clinic. AND none of us ever drink more than one beer. No one forced him to partake...at least half the folks there don't drink.

Anyway... it just makes me sad.. and conflicted. I feel like because he can't keep himself responsible, we are all being punished. LOL.. or worse.. that somehow those of us he moved away from have been tried, judged, and found wanting.

Because of how the schedule works at school, we will not see him very often, if at all during this school semester since he has made this choice. And since it appears that he does not intend to socialize with us because of our bad influence.. . it feels like he has essentially cut all ties with us.

Yes, I'm whining. I don't like losing friends when I don't feel I've done anything wrong.

Tuesday Morning Remorse

Procrastination is something I have down to a fine art. My ADC group is required to present a 15 to 20 minute presentation on Thursday Dec. 1 on Postpartum Depression. We divided up the work three weeks ago. (maybe a bit longer). Last night, or early this morning at the latest, my slides were due to Jeremy (he's coordinating the slide show for all of us). I finally finished my portion and emailed them at 9AM this morning. I spent a total of 4 hours doing the research, creating the slides, coordinating my speech to go along with the slides. I woke up at 4:30 this morning, thinking I could get it all done in a couple of hours. So I played a "quick" game before starting.

Once I did start working, I worked straight through and I'm really happy with the product I created. But.... why did I wait three weeks to even get started? Why did I waste the whole of the Thanksgiving break on relaxation, when I could have spent an hour or two each day working on this assignment and studying for the last three tests we have?

Ah well, It's done... here's hoping I can learn from this experience and use my time more wisely.

Counting Down

We are entering the final phase of nursing school. I have a little over 28 weeks left. We are working on hematology in our unit right now. The ins and outs of blood transfusions, type-matching, leukemias and other cancers of the blood.

Quilting weekend

Came out to Savannah for a long weekend with my best friend, Leigh. We went to a quilting class at the local quilt stor (Colonial Quilts). The quilt pattern is called "Monkey business". We had six hours of instruction with Bette. Very personable and very helpful. It was a good day. Then we came back to Leigh's and its been non-stop piecing. We should be done by the end of the day. This has been a much needed break from nursing school.

Hardest Part of being in Nursing School

So, I'm discovering that the hardest part of being in nursing school is over-diagnosing yourself. Every lecture includes all these symptoms of whatever ailments we are learning. It's hard not to think "gee, I have that, ...maybe I should have that looked at.... wow, that's what's wrong with the in-law?... should I share my new insight with hubby? " It's just a three hour long "what if" session with the mind.. LOL


glitter-graphics.com

A new beginning

Starting a diet seems to be the hardest thing to do. I know I need to lose weight, I don't expect it to happen overnight. I know how to lose weight. Yet I never manage to go the distance... at least up til now. I have 14 months to reach my goal of losing 118.1 lbs. That computes out to just a shave over 2 lbs a week. Totally doable. And so I begin today. I have been struggling with my weight for less than half of my life. When I was younger, the kids were younger, it was very easy to keep fit. Tag, Hide and go seek, dancing with the hubby, housework.... all these things and more kept me healthy and happy with my weight. But time and a sweet tooth has taken its toll. My kids are grown now, no more games of tag and my hubby is playing soldier far more often away from us than he is with us. Not complaining, just stating facts... I have no one to go dancing with. Sometimes I work out at home, dance around the house, watch what I eat... but most of the time it's been half-hearted... I'll lose a size or two and then I start slipping back to my old habits. This time it's going to be different. I have a plan for my future and I can most effectively create that future if I can "look the part" as we say. I am going to be a nurse and I want to help people stay and/or become healthy. But I want to look like I know what I'm talking about. So I'm ready to make this commitment to myself and my future. I know I need to be healthy for my own self, but I also have that added incentive of knowing I can be a better example for my clients if I can reach and maintain my goal.

Autumn color

Taken at Ft. Rucker, Alabama. Where autumn has yet to arrive. Taken October 30, 2010

Nursing School Reality

So I am 7 short weeks away from the end of my first semester of nursing school. It's been insane! I have a great group of study buddies and I am loving my clinical group (not composed of the same people). Instructors are tough, but fair and VERY picky about procedure... which is a good thing when you are turning out the next class of RN's I think.

Hardest task so far? Learning to "eat the elephant, one bite at a time."... No seriously.. the hardest part has been having to reorient my way of learning. I think I've found the groove though, and I'm pretty sure I should be seeing improvements in all my grades. (A's and B's thus far, but it never hurts to shoot seriously high).

As far as procedures go, I think the toughest is maintaining that sterile field. It's amazing just how easy it is to break it and have to start all over again. Never fear, future clients, I have it under control!

Who left all the cobwebs around here?

Wow! I had no idea it's been so long since the last time I blogged. Well.. been in summer session for Microbiology the past 6 weeks... another 3 weeks to go. I am enjoying the subject, but not caring too much for the teacher's way of doing business. Still, at this moment in time I have an A so I guess I shouldn't complain too much. I have been accepted into the nursing program for the fall. Should graduate May of 2012.

Paul is in "talks" to arrange his next assignment. We are currently scheduled to end this tour in June 2011 and his unit will be out of here as well, since they've been slowing moving everything up to Huntsville (part of a BRAC program). Paul can't just extend here at Ft. Rucker... so we aren't sure what he's going to do next... and that directly affects me since I have to be HERE through 2012.

We may end up living apart for a year, but it's not like we haven't done that a few dozen times, eh? :)