I've been depressed. I'm not sure why. I could blame the dark, dreary days of the UK that have been about since the beginning of October. I could blame the fact that I have no friends here in the UK, and that the time difference between me and the US keeps me from reaching out to my friends back home. I am sure that these are definitely factors, but what I am currently fascinated by is that it took me so long to realize that I am depressed. I am not on any medication and I have not discussed this with my doctors. Several reasons why I have not done that. But I have been as open as I can be with Paul.
It took me awhile to realize what was going on. I began taking naps in the middle of the day, for several hours. I was ready to go to bed at night by 8pm. Other nights I couldn't sleep at all and would often be up for more than 20 hours before I could finally fall asleep. I lost interest in sewing and creating things. I was putting in the minimum amount of effort in my on-line classes. I managed breakfast every morning because I had to feed Paul as well, but for the rest of the day I wasn't eating. Sometimes I would lie in my bed and fantasize (yes! fantasize) about killing myself. I thought about how I seemed to have accomplished all I needed to do in this life and I was just ready to be at rest, at peace. To finish anything that I didn't absolutely have to do was a Herculean task for me.
Then one day, while cruising on the internet.. I ran across a mental health quiz. I answered the questions just for something to do. I was as honest as I could be. It shocked me to realize just how often I thought about suicide. The response (after several follow up questions and constant reminders that this test was not meant to diagnose and that I should follow up with a doctor) surprised me. I knew I was feeling blue, but somehow I had slid past just a feeling of the blues into full on depression and anxiety.
Right now, I'm handling it on my own. Part of the solution was getting my medical stuff taken care of. I had to change up my diabetes medication because my BS had been too high for the last several months. My psoriasis was slowly getting out of control again, I'm sure because of the high blood sugars. I'm with some really good doctors and everything is improving. I've also reached out to friends back home and let them know I was struggling. Several of them have been so helpful in calling me at least once a week to see how I'm doing. That helps more than I thought it would.
I'm also eating better and exercising more. This seems to be helping as well. Some days are still hard, but overall, it's getting better. I'm looking forward to going to Wisconsin to spend Christmas with the daughters and grandchildren. We'll take a trip down to Alabama to see our son during that time too,.
Hopefully, I'll keep digging my way out of this, but if I find myself back in that dark hole, I will seek out medical help.
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